USC Fraternities Solely Outweighing All Positive Effects of Greek Life

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Los Angeles, California- A study sponsored by several national fraternity organizations which spanned close to a decade released its findings today, highlighted by the revelation that fraternities at the University of Southern California and the University of South Carolina are “single-handedly holding most, if not all, of Greek Life back.”

The study took into account dozens of factors ranging from charitable donations and volunteer hours all the way to hazing and drinking deaths. With negative news stories about fraternities being an almost daily occurrence, national fraternities participated in one of the largest document sharing operations in history, and hired an analytics firm to crunch the numbers to see if anything specific could be found.

“When we first compiled all the data, we found some pretty shocking information,” Gold Coast Analytics spokesperson Ray Donovan said, “when we began to account for certain variables we found that two specific campuses was showing this huge negative correlation among all the national fraternities, and that was Southern California and South Carolina.”

Closer analysis of the data revealed that the “USC” fraternities live such a debauchery-filled lifestyle that they drag down everything even remotely affiliated with them. In the past two school year alone, five fraternities were suspended and thirteen were ordered to cease recruitment at the University of South Carolina. Six fraternity chapters had been suspended, closed or cited for alcohol, drug and hazing violations during the last school year. At Southern Cal, a fraternity was accused of hurling eggs and racial slurs at the student body president. Another chapter is facing a lawsuit after a Cal soccer player was struck and killed by a car after he left a party.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re nationally affiliated with someone at Southern Cal or South Carolina or even as far apart as being a local fraternity in Maine, the negative pull was relatively clear.” Donovan later said. “If Animal House was being made today, it would be based on these guys.”

Another Gold Coast employee, Elliott Walker said, “We found a ton of examples, whether a large charitable donation was made or fraternity members went out of their way to help someone in need that it was, within days almost, forgotten in the news due to another hazing or sexual assault allegation or USC related mishap.” Walker continued, “For example, just days after Phi Kappa Tau at the University of Kentucky was given a remodeled basement by Sears due to their extensive community service in the area, a Kappa Sigma member at Southern Cal made the news for having sex on a rooftop on campus.”

The Momus Online sent their crack team of investigative journalists to both campuses to get to the bottom of the behavior. They were invited into multiple houses for interviews with presidents and other members. As soon as they wake up from their hangovers, we’re sure that the truth will be found in their reports.

One student at the University of Southern Cal only said, “Animal House is a decent movie, but I know we can do better.” He later thanked us for the comparison.

Multiple fraternity members were reached out to for comment, but few responded. One South Carolina fraternity member who wished to remain anonymous simply stated “Those pussies can’t hang.”

Cam Koenig
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Cam Koenig

After spending two years as a risk manager, Cam rescued himself from the Void using a 2 liter bottle of Sprite and a handle of Seagram's 7. He emerged slightly more sarcastic than before.
Cam Koenig
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