I know what you’re all thinking, the most frat cargo shorts? That’s an oxymoron, cargo shorts aren’t frat! In fact, if you go on Vineyard Vines, the frattiest of clothing places, and search for cargo shorts, this is what you get:
Thus, cargo shorts = not frat, right? Wrong! My friend, let me show you a whole new world, as you will be shocked and awed by just how frat our extra pocket shorts can be.
What you might notice about these shorts is they have 2 sets of cargo pockets, stacked on top of each other. The tiny upper pockets don’t look like they can hold much of anything, but they serve a valuable purpose. Cargo shorts are not frat, as we all know. But these cargo shorts have an extra set of cargo pockets, making them cargo cargo shorts. Thus, they are not not frat, and double negatives cancel out.
On the opposite side of the spectrum are these shorts, which have just 5 pockets. There’s still an extra pocket for you to store… whatever people use cargo pockets for (Do people even put stuff in them?), but they’re not as extreme as the previous pair. Cargo shorts are bad, and these are basically half cargo shorts and thus only half bad. It makes perfect sense. In fact, if viewed from the right angle, people won’t even be able to tell you’re wearing cargo shorts, and will think you’re just wearing khaki shorts. However, such great power has its’ drawbacks, as if viewed from the wrong angle, people will just think you’re wearing cargo shorts. It’s a 50/50, but one we feel is necessary to take.
Everyone knows seersucker is frat. Nuff said.
Pink-er, nantucket red, shorts are real popular these days, and real frat. Do 2 extra pockets take away from their fratness? We at The Momus Online don’t think so.
A step up from the previous shorts, these are not only nantucket red, but also have anchors on them. No matter how landlocked your college may be, sailing related objects are always frat. Also available is a blue version with lighthouses.
Adding the stars and stripes makes everything better. I can totally picture myself rocking these while slammin back beers and wearing a Reagan-Bush ‘84 tank. There’s even an elastic waistband, so even if you get a beer gut they’ll still fit. They also come in beige, black, green, and camo, so if you really wanna be a true patriot you should buy them all. The lack of a red or blue option, however, is a tad disappointing.
The pattern on these makes it almost impossible to see the extra pockets, and it’s a pretty garish striping thing, so people won’t really even look at your shorts for fear of eye injuries. So, people won’t even judge you for wearing cargo shorts. (However, people may judge you for wearing such an ugly pattern. Your call.)
Although our friends at Vineyard Vines may not offer any cargo shorts, Brooks Brothers is more than happy to oblige. They have one single cargo option on their website, available only in a kinda ugly dark green for whatever reason. At about 80 bucks for a pair, they’re some of the most expensive cargos on the market. Spending money on clothing is pretty frat, and Brooks Brothers is pretty frat. Thus, these shorts? Pretty frat.
There’s also a pair with canoes, but I really don’t know if canoes are frat or not.
So there you have it, the 9 most frat cargo shorts out there, plus a few bonus pairs, included in this article free of charge. Now, before buying all of these, remember this: Any pair shorts without cargo pockets is far more frat than any of these pairs could even dream of being.
Disclaimer: Neither I nor anyone at The Momus were paid by any of these companies to write about or advertise their shorts, but I have low moral standards and would be more than happy to take money for future articles, even if I have to advertise shitty cargo shorts.