Scientists Discover 7 New Mold Species In Condemned Fraternity House

The Phi Lambda chapter of Sigma Tau Gamma received some good and bad news on Monday night from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.  The bad news is that after an alarming outbreak of mold and mildew was discovered and reported by a visiting representative from Nationals, the house was condemned and will possibly be torn down, as it has become too dangerous for anyone to live in it.  However, researchers in the CDC lab have announced that samples collected from the house do not genetically match any known species, and are reporting seven instances of a new breed of fungus.  

“I was just…horrified,” shared Sig Tau Representative Jeremy Grant.  “There wasn’t a single room that didn’t have some amount of mold or asbestos, or sweet Christ whatever that blue shit was.  I couldn’t focus on how they were running their chapter meaning because I could only notice how the ceiling looked like a goddamn Van Gogh painting.”  

Surprisingly, there wasn’t much of a collective concern among the inhabitants of the house.  “There was always some shit on the shower curtains, I remember some was there when I moved in two years ago,” recalled senior brother Bryan Galvis.  “I didn’t even notice it was spreading until I saw some orange foamy crap towards the top of the upper hallway wall last year.  We thought about making the pledges clean it up, but we didn’t want to be dicks.  That shit looked pretty gross.”

With the brothers facing relocation, they may have actually caught a lucky break.  The CDC has announced that they would be willing to compensate the fraternity for access to the quarantined shelter in order to collect more samples and discover possibly more new species.  “I’m not sure whether I should be disappointed or impressed,” remarked chapter president Shaun Kassach.  “At least we’ll have enough funds to start renting out a new house.  On second thought, add in a bottle of Tilex.”  

Toris Coolum

Toris Coolum

Toris is a junior mechanical engineering major hailing from beautiful Virginia, but trapped in Cleveland during the school year.He tends to regret almost every decision he's ever made.His idol is Jim Lahey, as his only wish is to move to Canada and get drunk every living minute of his life.
Toris Coolum

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