Athens, Ohio – Following multiple high profile incidents involving Greek Life, administrators at Ohio University have decided to suspend traditional recruitment for the fraternities and sororities on campus. Starting in the Fall 2016 semester, students wishing to join a greek organization will be sorted into one of the twenty-one fraternities and sixteen sororities using The Sorting Hat from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
“We think this a bold but necessary step into the future here.” commented Dean of Student Affairs Helena Johnson-Richards. “There have been some incidents involving Greek Life that we want to move on from. We think that the Sorting Hat can prevent a lot of it through the elimination of the rushing process.”
Ohio University secured the Sorting Hat on loan from the Scottish-based wizarding school at the beginning of last semester. The Sorting Hat spent the Spring 2016 semester touring campus and getting to know the culture and personality requirements of each and every organization.
“I have been faithfully serving Hogwarts for one thousand years and have never been wrong in choosing the correct house for young wizards and witches. I am positive that my time here will be equally fulfilling, not just for myself, but for the students looking for a house of their own.” The Sorting Hat said in an exclusive interview with The Momus Online.
The Momus Online was invited to an exclusive summer practice of the sorting hat during summer orientation when students who were thinking of going Greek were asked to step forward and see what The Sorting Hat saw as their best fit.
“Mmmm yes…Ms. Cohen, trust fund, nice clothes, high maintenance, fake tits, I know exactly where to put you… Alpha Epsilon Phi!”, the Sorting Hat yelled to the crowd that gathered around as he was lifted off the girl’s head.
“Juice head!”, the Sorting Hat bellowed to the masses as an young man wearing chubbies was the next to be sorted. “Pi Kappa Alpha!”
A few presidents of the campus chapters were on hand to witness the trial sorting. All seem pleased at the Sorting Hat’s judgement.
“At first we were all totally against this. It seemed completely wrong to take rush out of our hands. But seeing The Sorting Hat do its magic on these incoming frosh has me really impressed. I think this could work out.” Sigma Pi president Troy Randolph said as he nodded at each consecutive decision. “Plus, that fat kid was a total PIKE.”
However, it didn’t seem that everyone was on board with the Sorting Hat’s judgement.
“No, there’s been a mistake, my dad was a Sigma Alph…” a panicked young try-hard said, visibly sweating as the Hat announced his placement after several minutes of intense questioning.
“FUCKING GEED”” The Sorting Hat removed itself from the young man’s head and appeared to spit in his general direction.
Following the apparent success of the trial run, forty-four other universities have inquired about the Sorting Hat’s potential availability during future rush periods. The University of Texas even went so far as to see if a custom 10 gallon Sorting hat could be made.
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