Palo Alto, CA – Stanford swimmer Brock Turner has been the center of controversy for months now after being convicted of three felony counts of sexual assault against a woman that passed out at a fraternity party. However, new reports have surfaced that turned this story upside down.
According to the Stanford Daily, Turner was not in a fraternity at Stanford, defying expectations and contradicting every known stereotype about fraternities.
As we all know, fraternities commit 97.5% of on campus rapes, and sexual assault is a vital part of their “secret rituals.” The news that Turner was not a part of one of these on campus rape castles is truly shocking. The Momus Online reached out to some of the fraternities at Stanford to comment on his lack of membership.
“Honestly, I was like 95% sure he was one of our guys,” Delta Tau Delta president Charles Stratton said. “However, we are definitely interested in posthumously initiating him after he spends a week in prison and subsequently gets stabbed to death. He’s definitely our type of guy.”
“No no no no, we’re racists. With a ‘c.’ Not rapists. That’s not us,” Sigma Alpha Epsilon president Bryan O’Neil clarified. “People are always getting confused with that one.”
There was word the Delta Kappa Epsilon chapter at Stanford was going to claim Turner when he made national news to help increase their campus presence, since ‘any press is good press,’ but opted against the advice of their social relations chair.
Joshua Bates, captain of the Stanford swim team, clarified to the campus Monday that the swim team was not a social fraternity and denied that “Farmhouse” was actually Greek for “swim team.”
He also announced that the swim team would change their motto of “drowning in pussy” to something more appropriate.