Kappa Alpha Order Lynches Clown On Campus

“He didn’t stand a chance,” muttered strongman Jim “Delts” Poleman.

It was a crisp fall day on the Hattiesburg campus of Southern Miss. The roses at the iconic All-American Rose Garden were redder than ever, sprayed with the bright red blood of a severed artery. It belonged to clown “Stinky” Zig, who in the midst of the Clown sighting hysteria of the past week, was lynched and lay hanging over the garden. Zig belonged to a traveling circus troupe known informally as the Mayhem Makers. They were scheduled to do a show on campus today at 7 pm, however, tragedy struck the troupe. Last night on college campuses across the country, sightings of creepily dressed clowns were reported to occur, resulting in some schools going into lockdown. Those schools that did not go into lockdown saw mobs of students armed with baseball bats and golf clubs go out “clown hunting”, looking to send a message that this type of behavior would not be tolerated on campus. Naturally, the entire Kappa Alpha chapter at Southern Miss went out to hunt clowns after their Chapter meeting ended last night.

At 11:00 pm they came across Zig who was practicing a juggling routine for the show tomorrow. “We haven’t had a good lynching in weeks”, exclaimed pledgemaster Jim Bob Ray. “Yeah, that fucking clown had it coming”, added Billy Williams. “We don’t take liking to their kind round these parts.”

President James Jim Smith went on to describe the lynching of the clown. “We saw him being all creepy like by the roses, so we decided to do this campus a service.”

Strongman Delts Poleman saw what was happening but was too late. “If only I arrived a little sooner…,” Poleman sobbed.

After Zig was lynched, the mob went after bearded lady Gertrude the Hairy. Poleman managed to fend them off long enough for Gertrude to escape, but she suffered several broken ribs in the process. Kappa Alpha members reportedly told her to ‘get her hippy ass off campus’, and that ‘the only place a woman should have hair is above her lady parts, but even that can be kinda gross’. The troupe plans on pressing charges against the fraternity for the pain inflicted, and even going so far to file it as a hate crime.

“Well shit,” sighed President Smith. “I don’t know if our insurance is going to cover this one.”

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