God Damned Nerds At It Again

Tri-Lamb alumni at a recent meet-up.

Tri-Lamb alumni at a recent meet-up.

TUCSON, AZ – According to several sources at Adams College, members of the local chapter of the Lambda Lambda Lambda Fraternity are “…at it again with all their nerd shit”. According to Douglas “Dirk” Worthington, External Vice President of the Beta Chapter of Alpha Beta, which is also on campus. Worthington arrived at the Student Involvement fair to work the booth for the Club Baseball team at Adams. That’s when he saw that “the Tri-Lambs were at a table for the ‘Adams Smash Club’ or whatever the hell that is.” The Momus Online later learned that the “Adams Smash Club” is an organization which plays “Super Smash Brothers” every Saturday afternoon. Worthington also reported saw members of Lambda Lambda Lambda at tables for Adams Magic Club, a club devoted to the “Magic: The Gathering” as well as the “Adams Adventuring Guild”, where students play “Dungeons and Dragons”. “It’s just sickening.” Worthington said. “They don’t even come to football games. We’re playing Coolidge on Saturday, and those dweebs are gonna be playing Minecraft or some shit.”

Other sources confirm the sighting of the Tri-Lambs at the Student Involvement Fair as well. Joseph Green, a member of Tau Kappa Epsilon stated, “I mean, we get have a lot of goober chapters as well, but these guys really take the cake. Their big philanthropy is called ‘Lambda Lambda LAN War, and they just use it as an excuse to play even more video games.”

Lambda Lambda Lambda is traditionally an African-American fraternity, founded by James M. Freeman and William T. Smith at Hampton University in 1927. The organization has 46 chapters nationwide, including the one at Adams. The Adams College Chapter was founded by a group of men led by Lewis Skolnick and Gilbert Lowe, who went on to create the multi-billion dollar Diamond Computers, which is widely believed to be a reference to Lambda Lambda Lambda’s hand sign. Lambda Lambda Lambda has been on the Adams College since its founding in 1984 and is the only fraternity at Adams that has never been put on any sort of probation.

“They are just plain awful. The last time we paired with them, all they did was try to get us to walk around and play Pokémon Go.” McKenna Walker, social chair of Pi Delta Pi. “I don’t know what we were smoking when we thought that was gonna go well.”

“The Lambdas have been doing these kind of shenanigans since I played football there.” Adams and Alpha Beta Alumni, Frederick Palowaski, better known as “Ogre” Palowaski, who spent 4 years playing with the Pittsburgh Steelers. “When I came back for Law School after playing football, I expected those nerds to be long gone, but they were the largest fraternity on campus! It’s a shame! Half of them can’t even finish a 30-rack, like we used to do back in the day.”

When asked about his fraternity’s involvement in the clubs, the president of Lambda Lambda Lambda, Oliver Johnson, asked who my “Smash Main” was.

Cam Koenig
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Cam Koenig

After spending two years as a risk manager, Cam rescued himself from the Void using a 2 liter bottle of Sprite and a handle of Seagram's 7. He emerged slightly more sarcastic than before.
Cam Koenig
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