SALT LAKE CITY – The Sigma Lambda chapter of Phi Gamma Delta was turned upside down today as a weekly chapter meeting came and went without a single frivolous argument between brothers bogging it down.
“Every week, it’s something or other,” FIJI president Bertrand Hawkins said. “No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I yell ‘shut up, shut up!’, meetings always devolve into a clusterfuck of pointless bickering about bullshit that doesn’t matter.”
“I’ve broken four gavels this semester, I can’t go on living like this.”
Hawkins added that he can usually tell what the arguments will be about before they even start.
“Well, it’s NBA playoff season, so Derek and Calvin are in the heat of their Curry vs. LeBron argument, which usually takes at least ten minutes,” he said. “The secretary is almost too good at his job; the minutes are full of phrases like ‘best shooter ever’ and ‘He couldn’t win in Cleveland, that place sucks’.”
Taking an even more exasperated tone, Hawkins recounted seeing brother Steve take Kelly, member of the neighboring sorority and topic of heated debate among the FIJI brothers, into his room after the Huxtabros and Cosby Hoes-themed party Saturday night.
“Nothing can make a chapter meeting go to hell faster than bringing up Kelly,” he said. “Half of the guys think she’s an absolute goddess, and the other half are just as convinced that she’s a bridge troll they wouldn’t be caught dead with.”
“We almost had an argument-free meeting last month, but right as we were about to close new business, someone yelled “Kelly has pancake titties!”. 45 minutes of posturing and yelling later, we finally closed the meeting. I haven’t even looked at the minutes for that one.”
“As soon as I saw her enter Steve’s room, I knew chapter this week would be the Wild West, but they really proved me wrong,” Hawkins concluded.
“She does have pancake titties, though.”
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