Fraternity Run Like Oakland Police Department Suspended

BERKELEY, CA- the University of California at Berkeley chapter of Sigma Chi has been suspended after conducting themselves in a manner akin to the Oakland Police department. At the end of what would have been of the university’s 13 year probation of the chapter, a racism scandal has erupted during the already occurring sex scandal.

“We’re here to run a fraternity, not the fucking Oakland Police Department,” said Ben Fairow, head of the chapter’s alumni organization. In the past two weeks, three presidents have resigned and the fourth has been appointed by the university’s president, Libby Schaaf.

Members of the fraternity have been discovered to have been sending each other texts which include racially-charged comments and references to hate groups. “It’s totally chill though, we have one brother that’s like half black” said chapter president Sean Whent, the second of four presidents in the last two weeks. “Sure, none of the other eighty something members are, but some of the brothers listen to rap music, so it’s okay.” University students have expressed outrage that the chapter’s president has attempted to justify the racism, instead of just apologizing.

Reports that many of the members have slept with underage prostitutes are also coming to light. When asked about the allegations, risk manager Paul Figueroa responded, “How were we supposed to know that a dozen something brothers having sex with an underage prostitute is illegal? Who do you think we are, cops? It’s not like it’s our job to know or enforce the law or anything.”

The chapter has since had its charter revoked, and an extensive membership review has been conducted by the fraternity’s national office. Many members of the chapter are likely to lose the ability to gain alumni status, and all of the members will no longer be active at the university.

Sam Grosser

Sam Grosser is Lieutenant Master at ΑΕΠ's Upsilon Eta chapter. Sam is a business major / failure at the University of Houston main campus. He is what the girls call "sassy" and what the guys call "fucking asshole".

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