EVANSVILLE – Tragedy struck the Indiana Theta chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon earlier this week as brother Curt “Flounder” Specht faded away into the void following an unfortunate time travel mishap.
“Yeah, we’ve always thought Curt’s mom was pretty hot,” SAE brother Luke Myers said. “We were all chilling one day and someone said how rad it’d be to have banged Curt’s mom when she was in college. So that physics major we gave a bid to built us a working time machine and I was on my way.”
Upon arriving in 1990, Myers began chatting up the future Mrs. Linda Specht at a bar, and managed to talk his way back to her place.
“So I was totally plowing Curt’s mom, and some goober barged in and started yelling about how he’d suspected this all along and they’re through for good this time and this, that and the other,” Myers said, referring to the man who in the previously untampered with timeline would become Specht’s father five years later.
“It really killed the mood, so I hopped in the time machine and booked it back to the house.”
Myers was shocked to see Specht on the couch at the SAE house on his return.
“Yeah, Curt was sprawled out on the couch, looking deflated like that kid who smoked weed once in those old anti-drug commercials. It was pretty weird.”
Thinking his brother just needed a beer to get him back on his feet, Myers threw him a can of Natural Light, which passed through Specht and exploded on the floor, as Specht became more and more translucent.
Myers then told Specht about his afternoon in 1990 as other brothers in the room slapped him five.
“You did WHAT?,” an enraged Specht bellowed as loudly as his rapidly degenerating vocal cords would allow. “That ‘GOOBER’ was my dad! Haven’t you seen movies?”
“I… hate… you… all” were Specht’s last words as he crumbled into a pile of dust, leaving only his Croakies behind.
A candlelight vigil is scheduled for 9:00 tonight on the front lawn of the SAE house.
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