Fraternity Men Around The Country Celebrate Another Childless Father’s Day

Father’s Day takes place on the third Sunday in June every year in the US and is known as a day celebrating the role that dads have in raising their children and supporting their family.

In between spending their fathers’ money this weekend, fraternity men across the nation have taken a moment to reflect on how close they’ve come to becoming fathers themselves, and to give thanks for their good fortune.

Fiji brother at San Jose State Chester McCall recalls one of his scariest nights where he almost ended up a father himself. “So it was the the Thursday of Halloween weekend, which is a pretty big night because it kicks off the whole weekend of parties going up until Halloween night itself. Naturally we decided to throw down and told mad people to come through. Since the other frats on campus were being stingy as fuck about letting people in, we had a packed house, and I had to stay outside and work security the entire night to make sure no more people came in since they cops were driving around doing their rounds. Eventually they told us we had to kick people out or they’d put us in cuffs, so we did and only 30 of our friends stayed. Being stressed but relieved I decided to get really drunk off the bottle of Jager I had. I remember talking to this one pretty cute girl Emma who I wanted to get with and thought she was into me.

“Next thing I remember she and everyone else is gone and it’s me, my boy Jack, and this girl Katy left. Now I’d talked to Katy before at our parties and while she’s a nice girl, she’s also what we like to call a fat chick. Chester McCall doesn’t fuck fat chicks, but drunk Chester hadn’t gotten laid in a while and the next thing I knew she was on top of me, riding my Oscar Mayer weiner and screaming my first and second names. I remember thinking, ‘hey at least she got big titties tho’, but then she took her top off and they turned out to be duds. Slightly disappointed but shit faced, I wasn’t enjoying it but wasn’t really feeling too bad either. Then just as I began to bust, I decided to pull out even though I was wearing a condom only to realize that the condom had broke and I came a little inside of her. Horrified, I told her to get the fuck out out of my room and leave.

Several frantic googlings of ‘jumping up and down’ and ‘douching?????’ later, I got it out of my head and passed out. The next morning I woke up with what I thought was eye black on my dick, since my costume was a football player, only for it to not come out. Not only had that bitch took my seed, but she left me with a goddamn bruised dick. I then saw Jack and told him he never should have let me hook up with her, but Jack’s kind of an asshole and thinks it’s funny to see me do this kind of shit. I texted Katy and told her to take the pill, but she said it fucks up her period and that she was already on birth control. Unsure of whether she was telling the truth, I had no choice but to believe her and hope for the best. I eventually found out she got her period and narrowly escaped being the baby daddy to a fat chick.”

But, not everyone can be so fortunate like Chester was. Paul White of the Kappa Alpha Order chapter at Old Dominion had a similar experience this past semester. “I was raw dogging my side cousin,” White recalled. “I was a dummy and I forgot to nut on her tummy. I figured there’s no getting out of this now, so I’m making the best of it. I’ve been using my new dad reflexes to catch beers the guys throw at me, and my grill skills are the best they’ve ever been. The best part is the dad jokes though. The Chi Os came over on Saturday night, and they were doing the whole ‘I’m so drunk!’ thing, you know how they are. Anyway, I got the biggest, wryest grin on my face, and all the guys know what was about to happen. I walked over to one of them and just let out a ‘Hi drunk, I’m dad!’ It absolutely killed, but I caught hell from the old lady for it, she doesn’t like me talking to other women now that I’ve got a family and all.”

We decided to interview Kappa Alpha house manager Ian St. Louis about his thoughts on having a family live with them in the chapter house.

“That fucking baby is driving me fucking bonkers,” St. Louis complained. “Do you know what it’s like bringing a girl home, only to have fucking lullabies coming out of the room across the hall? And then you can’t be too loud, or else he’ll wake up and start wailing like a pint-sized power tool. It’s twenty seconds of bed rocking, twenty minutes of rock-a-bye-baby. I can’t do the jackhammer or I’ll wake up the jackhammer. I hate it.”

“But hey with Paul in dad mode we were able to save money and fire our chef, so it is what it is. Making the pledges eat baby food is a kick, too.”
From the TMO staff, have a happy Father’s Day, and tell your dad you appreciate him, you goddamned mooch.

Editor’s Note: Thanks to Rusty Shackleford for his contributions to this article, despite not being listed in the byline.

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