AKRO, OH – Fresh off an undefeated regular season in the University of Akron fraternity league, Sigma Chi’s flag football team was feeling pretty confident. In 5 games, they outscored their opponents 163 – 26, and their closest game was a 28-7 win over a reportedly ‘pretty solid’ Kappa Sigma. So confident, in fact, that the team felt it was ready for bigger things.
“I feel pretty confident that we could keep up with the Cleveland Browns,” team captain and quarterback Shane Butler told the Momus. “Look, I know we wouldn’t beat them, but I think we could at least keep it close. They went 1-15 for fuck sake! I mean, who’s their best receiver? Terrelle Pryor? Gary Barnidge? They wouldn’t score more than 30 on us.”
Butler, who prior to this season, had last played single A high school football in rural Ohio. His team went 3-8 his senior year, and not a single college was remotely interested in recruiting him.
The team’s best cornerback, Alan Garza, agreed. “I played Cody Kessler’s team while I was in high school, and I pretty much shut that scrub down. He only threw my way like 5 times, and I almost got like two picks. Had the refs not boned us over, we would’ve steamrolled them.” The Momus found that Kessler threw for over 300 yards and 5 touchdowns in the game Garza described, and Kessler’s team won by 31 points.
However, not everyone on the team was so confident. Linebacker Billy Guzman felt the Browns would have the edge. “We’d have no chance of stopping Johnny Manziel. That guy is fast, and he can throw the ball well enough. Plus, everyone shows up drunk to frat league sports, and I’m pretty sure he showed up drunk to NFL games. Honestly, we should just give Johnny a bid.” Guzman seemed unaware that Manziel had not played a snap for the Browns since week 16 of the 2015 season, and had in fact been cut in early March. Still, he seemed to be the only one with enough senses to recognize that any NFL player could run circles around your average college kids.
“They’re probably gonna fire coach Hue Jackson, otherwise I’d definitely email him to see if they’d be down to scrimmage us,” Butler said. “It’s not like the team is gonna have much to do in January.” At press time, Sigma Chi was losing 28-14 to Sigma Nu, a team with a 2-3 record heading into the game.