Fraternity Brother Dies In Horrific ‘Boob Luge’ Incident

Tuscaloosa, AL – A brother of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity at the University of Alabama died in the hospital Saturday after sustaining injuries from a freak accident while participating in a boob luge.

‘Boob luging’ is the act of drinking beer that is being poured between the breasts of a college coed, popularized by Greek Life twitter account @OldRowOfficial.

Unfortunately for sophomore Johnny Evans, this act led to his own demise.

“It was just a regular ole boob luge.” said Sarah Mason, whose breasts had been chosen for the boob luging, “I had no idea he would start choking on the horseshoe of dip he threw in!”

Shortly after Evans began drinking the beer off of Sarah’s bare chest the chewing tobacco he had in his lip became dislodged and got stuck in his throat above his trachea. Despite Sarah being a licensed life guard at the local pool, she was too nervous to perform the Heimlich maneuver or begin CPR.

After 3 minutes passed and Evans face turned from red to a dark blue, Sig Ep brothers knew the only way to save him was to perform a tracheotomy.

“Stand back, I’ve seen Scrubs,” exclaimed Evans’ pledge brother Bryce Thompson, brandishing a Bic pen.

Thompson struck Evans in the throat to open an airway to his lungs, but due to his lack of experience he accidentally cut into Evans’ jugular artery. Blood gushed out of his throat, mixing with the beer on the ground to make a nice iron and wheat smell.

Paramedics arrived on the scene and rushed Evans to the hospital where he died shortly after.

“I’ll never forget the time we tag teamed that freshman Chi O.” remarked a teary eyed Bryce Thompson during Sunday’s vigil for Evans.

Benjamin Moore

Owner, Editor in Chief at The Momus Online
Ben is the owner and editor in chief of The Momus Online. He is known for making bad satire and failing to swoon women. If you want to contact him, check out your local speed dating meet-ups or the library.

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  1. yes 06/15/2016

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