BOSTON, MA – FBI Director James Comey announced today that he recommends to the Justice Department that Theta Chi Pledge Educator Wes Bennett not be indicted on hazing charges. The Boston University fraternity was suspended by the school last year as a result of these charges.
This news has come as a shock to the rest of campus, as evidence of the hazing has been leaked online repeatedly. In an email from Bennett to fraternity secretary James Lyons, Bennett was quoted as saying “What we did to those pledges last night was fucking dope, I can’t believe they actually drank that cocktail of dip spit and bleach out of my Sperrys, how Flounder survived 2 gallons I’ll never know”. Luckily enough for investigators, the private fraternity listserv was not connecting properly to Bennett’s iPhone. As a result, he sent the message using his unsecured private email server.
Bennett initially claimed that his email was hacked by the infamous hacktivist group Anonymous. An unidentified brother posing as a member of Anonymous tweeted that Bennett’s password was hunter2. Bennett later recanted this claim as he realized that this ruse would not hold up since the email website required passwords of at least 20 letters (5 uppercase), 3 numbers, and a batman symbol.
When reached for comment, Risk Management Chair Ben Marsh covered his ears and repeatedly yelled, “What difference does it make?”, before locking himself in a closet. He stayed in that closet for a number of weeks, until he was scheduled to give testimony. He died in a mysterious lifting accident two days before he was supposed to give testimony against Bennett.
The Momus Online reached out to Bennett on the phone, when asked why he sent such sensitive information over an unsecured network he replied. “I didn’t know the emails would be public or I wouldn’t have said those things, duh. I would never send classified Theta Chi information over an unsecured network. I wiped the server down with a cloth, I thought that would clean it”. As it turns out, Bennett has in fact sent 104 emails that Theta Chi Nationals would consider “classified”.
No word if it will affect Bennet’s presidency run. As of a recent poll, he is actually leading loud-mouthed brother David Trimp by 3 points.
Special thanks to TMO writer Chad Thundercock for his help in writing this article