DURHAM, NC – The Theta Chi Colony at Duke vanished seemingly overnight after members found out they had to pay dues in order to be in a fraternity. The upstart Colony had over 20 members after six months of being recognized on campus. We at The Momus Online decided to take a trip down to Durham to investigate.
After walking around campus for an hour, we found the Colony’s president, Mike Wannstedt, eyeing a shot glass for sale in the campus store. Visibly burned out, Mike mustered a semblance of a smile as I introduced myself to him. “They just didn’t want to pay dues, plain and simple,” Wannstedt remarked, putting the shot glass back on the shelf. “But whatever, it’s not my problem anymore. I just submitted the roster update form to nationals this morning and immediately got a text back asking if I made a mistake by submitting a blank form. Once I told [the nationals rep] I didn’t make a mistake and that everyone is dropping, our field executive finally got off his fat ass and drove down to campus.” Wannstedt said that Rick Dooley, the chapter’s nationals rep, was at local bar Shooters II trying to talk some sense into the guys.
Upon arrival at Shooters, we found a man forcibly locked into the infamous dancing cage. With a crowd of a couple dozen onlookers, the man, who turned out to be Dooley, was yelling to me for help as Theta Chi brothers pelted him with bottle caps. Despite his pleas for help, I ignored him and decided to talk to the brothers about why they wouldn’t pay their dues.
Sitting at the bar watching the bottle caps rain down, I met athletic chair Gary Hopper. When asked why he would not be able to pay dues he said he had multiple important ongoing financial commitments. “I already owe my dealer around $200 for the Cali kush he sold me, plus the money I need to go to the bars and buy everyone a round of shots every night, it all really adds up.”
Brother Dave Gilmore said he needs the money for a new Playstation 4 with the Virtual Reality headset.
“I just don’t believe in the idea of dues. We’re all broke college students,” explained Member at Large, Paul Halpern. “I mean if I have to pay for dues then I wouldn’t be able to buy the Coachella VIP package.”
Pledgemaster Steven Crowley quickly dismissed that notion. “Paul is an idiot. Not having dues is ridiculous and he should be ashamed. Of course we need to have dues. If he can manage to shell out hundreds of dollars for Coachella then he can easily pay dues. When asked how high he would set dues, Crowley responded “$10 a person should be enough. That way we can have a nice pizza party at the end of the year.”
Risk Manager Greg Zaxby voiced his support and added, “We don’t need to pay for frivolous things like insurance, I have insurance on my iPhone and it doesn’t cover shit when I smash it against the wall.”
Philanthropy chair Chester McAdams echoed this sentiment, “If Mike really wants us to pay dues then we can pretend he has cancer and create a kickstarter to cover ‘medical expenses.’ Mike looked sickly to begin with, all we need to do is buzz his head and give him a bandana to wear and the kid could pass off as Caillou.”
Another brother suggested pimping out the fraternity sweetheart, mentioning that he saw her “killing it dancing in the cage the other night,” and praising her not-too-toothy blowjobs.
Upon that comment I decided to leave Shooters and headed to the nearest church to pray for God to have mercy on their souls. Driving back from Durham, I realized in all the insanity that I never once met the treasurer. It wasn’t until a few days later when I turned on the news and found out that a young man named Ari Horowitz, the missing Theta Chi treasurer, was found dead after running into oncoming traffic. A suicide note was found on his body saying he couldn’t take it anymore, coming shortly after he had taken out his fourth private student loan just to keep the Colony afloat for rush.