Emojis: Frat Or Not Frat?

emojis

Emojis: they’re… something. I guess you could say some bullshit about how they’re “indispensable in the smartphone-driven world of today’s millennials” or some jargon-laden word-vomit like that, but I know you’re only here to have one question answered: are they frat? Which modern hieroglyphs are frat as fuck, and which will leave that girl you met at the bar that one time drier than the crusty cum-rag underneath your bed because who are we kidding, you don’t talk to girls. You’re garbage for reading this and I’m no better for writing it. Let’s go.

😀- Easy there, eager beaver, coming in a bit hot with that wide-mouthed smile. You gotta play it cool, maybe throw out a “😬”  instead, because even though you look like a goober middle schooler who’s just been told to “do a silly one now!” in the group photo, it shows you don’t take yourself seriously. “😬”  is frat, “😀” is not. If you’re feeling extra saucy, you could go for “😏”  or “😉”, their smoother, suaver cousins.

😘– Frat, but there’s a time and a place for this one. Same goes for “😍”, the bane of Instagram comment sections everywhere.

😎- I talked to a girl for a while who hated, absolutely HATED, this emoji. So I did what anyone would do in my situation and abused the hell out of it. The shades are just the icing on the cake, this one is frat.

🙃- I usually use this one for catastrophic sports losses, because that’s a main source of despair in my life, hashtag blessed. It’s a detached, “bro, I don’t care” way to express the anguish and torment brewing inside you each and every day, at least if you’re me. Frat.

🐼- “I got broads in Atlanta” sounds like something you’d say even though you’re two time zones away to cover the fact that you don’t pull. Though real life pandas don’t seem to do anything other than eat and sleep, which is frat, but the ones in captivity seem to be so disinterested in sex that they have to be coerced to do so by zookeepers, which is considerably less so. Not frat wins here, 2-1.

⚽️- Fuck you, this one is frat. Read up on Mario Balotelli, blast from the past Paul Gascoigne, or, to plug my own team here, these guys.

👰- Don’t be so quick to tie yourself down, son. Not frat at this point in your life.

🔥- Mixtapes are frat.

🐴 – If your dad owns a dealership, which is frat, he probably makes enough to own a horse too, which is also frat.

🦄 – The esteemed founders of my august and better than yours fraternity saw it fit to establish a unicorn as our symbol, and to put it on our original crest. Frat. Equines are frat, as a rule of thumb.

🍾- Don’t be a priss. Not frat.

🇬🇷 – It’s literally called Greek life, this one is frat, even if poor financial management isn’t. Ironic that our whole subculture is filed with accounting and business majors despite being named after a rapidly hemorrhaging economy.

🎀- Sraaaaaaat.

🍆- Frat. Mecha-frat when used in conjunction with “🍑”.

🤗- If you’ll indulge me, I have a bit of a personal repulsion to this one, and you should too. First off, emojis should not have hands in the first place. If, on the off chance, something possesses you to give your emoji appendages beyond eyes, nose, mouth, and bitchin’ ‘stache (when applicable), make them proportional. I’m not trying to think about this thing’s way-too-close-to-its-face hands any longer than I have to, and I’m certainly not trying to infer anything about the grotesquely stubby arms those hands must be attached to.

This is the emoji version of that Family Guy cutaway gag where Peter’s a chick (???) who gets catcalled by a dude asking if her (his?) legs to all the way up, and he lifts up a skirt to reveal that they, in fact, do. He then runs down the street chasing the guy with his horrific all-legs body. That stuff would give a man of weaker mental fortitude nightmares for days, but I’m a big boy who doesn’t afraid of anything. “🤗”  is not frat.
There you have it. I’d say “happy texting”, but you’ll just fuck it up anyway.

Vanessa Carlton Banks

Desperately trying to combat the fact that I'm not in college anymore by writing fratty jokes on the Internet.

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