BALTIMORE, MD – Here at The Momus Online we recently came across a leaked email sent by Sigma Nu social chairman Evan Fogell to his brothers at the Johns Hopkins University chapter. We would like to warn our readers explicit language is used below, so reader discretion is advised.
If you just opened this like I told you to, flip your chair upside down and sit on one of the legs, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that think it’s midnight because you have your heads shoved so far up your ass, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Delta Gamma. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself, “Oh Evan, I’ve been having so much fun with my brothers this week! I never would’ve been able to handle their four inch dicks inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube!“, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Delta Gamma does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to chill with your brothers. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to brothers, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: SORORITIES DON’T LIKE BORING FRATS. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: DELTA GAMMA IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about getting hammered with Pi Phi IN FRONT OF DELTA GAMMA SISTERS. Are you boners fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Delta Gamma openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Beta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other sororities apartments, I don’t give a FUCK if your sidepiece is in it, if your main slam is in it, or if your inbred cousin that you’ve been banging is in that sorority. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other guys to leave with you.
“But Evan!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your cracked fucking iPhone as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and going offsides EVERY FUCKING DOWN of flag football), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! THIS ISN’T FUCKING TWITCH PLAYS POKEMON! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? THEY CALL IT LEAGUE OF LOSERS FOR A FUCKING REASON. ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you SUE me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
“Ohhh Evan, now I have to use my happy tissues by my bed to wipe my tears. I was just in the middle of jerking off to cuckhold porn.” Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at parties diddling yourself or if you’re a weird shit that diddles yourself during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 guys that are fun, talk to girls, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to girls I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.