Amherst, MA – As the University of Massachusetts Minutemen geared up for a tough football game against the Kent State Golden Flashes, members of the school’s Greek organizations set up their tailgates outside the stadium and prepared for another eventful Saturday of eating, drinking, and not watching the game taking place just minutes away from them.
“I’m pretty sure we suck, but I don’t want to bother going all the way in [to the stadium] to find out”, said junior Leah Robinson, a member of Delta Zeta sorority. “Besides, why would I leave the tailgate? The food is free here.”
“When I want to see real football, I just watch the Pats on Sundays,” said Phi Mu Delta brother Michael Carvaggio. “I’m not interested in watching us lose to some school that might as well be on the fucking moon for all that I know. Call me when these guys have Gronk.”
“Do I like football? Of course I like football,” answered Phi Mu sorority sister Allison Lewis. “I like football a lot, probably more than most of the people here. But,” she added, after taking a long swig of Fireball whisky, “I like drinking too, and I like drinking a lot more than I like sitting in a tiny stadium watching shitty football players I’ve never heard get beat by some random-ass flyover school. So I stay out here.”
As the game got underway it became apparent that the vast majority of the student body was not planning on leaving their tailgates to go into the stadium. During the second quarter, a group of Lambda Chi Alpha brothers at a tailgate got into a heated debate about whether Kent State was a real state or not before determining that it didn’t matter and returning to beer pong and making their pledges grill hamburgers for them.