Co-Author: Cam Koenig
WACO, TX – Sources have reported new information to The Momus Online that former Baylor University football coach Art Briles may be responsible for the Zodiac killings of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s.
The Zodiac Killer was never identified during his initial killing spree, however, the case has resurfaced in the past year due to rumors that Senator Ted “the Cruz missile” Cruz, best known for his failed run at the Republican Presidential nomination, was thought to be the Zodiac Killer. Ted Cruz is a United States Senator serving in the state of Texas, where Briles has also lived his entire life. Coincidence?
In 1969, the Zodiac mailed a card with a cryptogram of 340 characters. In college football each game consists of two teams who each have 100 players, giving you a total of 200 players. If you subtract 200 from 340, you get 140. Twitter has a 140 character limit. Who just deleted their Twitter account after being fired and tweeting #TruthDontLie? Art Briles.
But if Briles lived his entire life, including his entire playing and coaching career in Texas then how would he be able to murder people in California? Recruiting trips to California provide the perfect cover.
The Zodiac Killer has 5 confirmed victims. How many division championships does Art Briles have? 5. Coincidence? Probably.
Though the evidence is overwhelming, why would Briles draw attention to himself by recruiting troubled football players to his program, in turn leading to his firing? Let’s dispel with this fiction that Art Briles doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
With Baylor in the dust, Briles is now free to pick up coaching jobs anywhere in the country, including California. By taking a job in California, Briles would be free to resume his killings at an even greater rate than before, and no one would suspect a thing.
As of this publishing, an investigation has gone underway to verify that Briles is indeed the Zodiac Killer. Upon hearing the news, Ted Cruz was reported to be very relieved- or at least look very relieved, they couldn’t tell.