14 Reasons Your Big Will LITERALLY Be The Next President Of The United States

  1. Your big is at least 35 years old, and is a native-born or naturalized citizen of the United States, and has been a resident for at least 14 years.

  2. Your big has been a politician most of her life, giving her the experience necessary to be considered a serious candidate for office.

  3. Your big has, in her storied career as a politician, become friends with major political donors and big names in her party of choice.

  4. Your big filed the proper paperwork with the Federal Election Commission. She’s so organized!

  5. Your big has declared candidacy for one of the United States’ two major political parties, giving her an edge over third party candidates and God damn independents. 

  6. Your big won a larger percentage of the votes in the Iowa primary than the other candidates, indicating to pollsters and potential donors that she is likely to clinch her party’s nomination.

  7. Your big won the South Carolina primary, a major stepping stone in the early road to the Presidency. She’s full of Southern class and little bit of sass!

  8. Your big has won the required amount of delegates to be her party’s nominee, 2383 delegates for the Democratic party or 1237 for the Republican Party.

  9. Party delegates have chosen your big to be the candidate their party will represent in the general election.

  10. Your big knows how to appeal to minority groups. She loves country AND hip hop!

  11. Early polling suggests that your big will win a majority of the votes in key swing states, allowing her to win the 270 delegates necessary to become president.

  12. Your big has campaigned long and hard, and gotten the endorsements of sitting senators, governors, and representatives.

  13. Your big has gotten more than the required 270 delegates in the general election.

  14. Your big has taken the oath of office, administered by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Isn’t she perfect?

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